As I've gotten older, though, I feel a little.... weirder.... about my prettiness obsession.
For one, I'm older now. It's easier to get away with being really girly when you're younger, because that's the expectation for young girls. I know I'm only eighteen (which is still super young) and nobody gives a darn whether I'm wearing a pink Minnie-mouse shirt or not, but I feel like a time could come when they do. I hope someday I'll have a job where everyone will be super cool and creative, and will care more about what you make than what you wear. But that's not always reality.
Also, I'm not a particularly polished person. I want to be a girl with perfectly-placed hair and a catalog-quality outfit and a desk that looks like a gorgeous minimalist instagram photo, but I'm not. I'm a mess. No matter how hard I try (and I try hard), everything about me seems like too much of a mess to ever be quite at that level of polished-prettiness. I know some of this aesthetic that I'm dreaming of is kinda not real, made possible through perfectly planned instagram photos, etc. But I also know there are some people who are just naturally, like, 15% more perfect than me. You know who I'm talking about. Their hair is always nice and smooth, their clothes are always lovely and unwrinkled, their skin looks like an untouched white-sand beach, they don't pick at their nails. I think they're often the same people who bullet journal religiously and always keep on top of their calendars. I am not one of them.
|A Very Glam (and very staged) Photo, taken when experimenting with studio lights over Christmas.|
Thirdly, I don't feel like I look like the type of prettiness that I want to be. I've always been a quite muscular person naturally, made more prominent by the many hours of exercise I do each day. I have bulky arms and bulky calves and abs and curves. It was once said during my high school's spirit week that one of my calves could singularly win the tug of war competition for the senior class.
I thought that was pretty funny, and I love that I'm strong and athletic. I'm not a person who generally hates her body for just being what it is. But sometimes it can be pretty disappointing when my body doesn't seem to fit into the person that I'm trying to be.
In a lace-skirt-and-vintage-oxford aesthetic, big muscular calves are not part of the equation. A large chest doesn't go with a peter-pan-collar, high-neck, billowy blouse. A big butt doesn't go with ballet. Acne scars and frizzy hair don't go with flawless, vintage-y up-do's and red lips. Big, muscular arms don't go with breezy sleeveless dresses riding cute, pastel-colored bicycles.
I know it shouldn't be this way, and it doesn't have to be. I know these are just more of the stupid and illegitimate rules whipped up by society. But often, they feel kinda real. Sometimes I feel like I don't quite fit into the girl I want to be, no matter how hard I try. I always feel like a messier, frizzier, trying-too-hard version. And sometimes I wonder if I should just stop trying. I could have any other style, any other aesthetic, and any other interest. There's less opportunity for error with a pair of jeans than a lace skirt, it feels. There's less opportunity for error in literally anything compared to ballet.
But at the same time, I feel like this is just who I am, even if I don't completely fit into all the traditional cut-outs of who I want to be. Actually, I feel like this is who I am because I don't completely fit into all the traditional cut-outs. I'm Julia Rose Bluhm, a girl with a name that sounds like a flower, who does ballet, writes nice little things, and doesn't really fit. I'm my own kind of pink-and-pretty; a laughably and vastly imperfect kind.
To say I'm completely happy with this would be a bit of a lie. To say that I wouldn't like to change anything about myself would also be a lie.
|The nicest my hair has ever looked|
Individuality is what's truly cool, when you think about it. Individuality is what makes people matter. And sometimes individuality is synonymous with messy and vasty imperfect and kinda insecure. But it's also synonymous with art and beauty and you. We need to remember, even if it sometimes doesn't feel like it, all these things are possible at the same time.
Do you ever feel like you don't quite fit into the person you want to be? How do you cope? :)