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when you feel like you don't fit

If you know me at all, you've probably figured out that I'm a girl who likes pretty things. I like the color pink, and antique do-dads, and appealing instagram photos. I want to be a girl who wears pretty vintage dresses and doesn't care what anyone thinks of her and has a freaking beautiful life.

As I've gotten older, though, I feel a little.... weirder.... about my prettiness obsession.

For one, I'm older now. It's easier to get away with being really girly when you're younger, because that's the expectation for young girls. I know I'm only eighteen (which is still super young) and nobody gives a darn whether I'm wearing a pink Minnie-mouse shirt or not, but I feel like a time could come when they do. I hope someday I'll have a job where everyone will be super cool and creative, and will care more about what you make than what you wear. But that's not always reality.

Also, I'm not a particularly polished person. I want to be a girl with perfectly-placed hair and a catalog-quality outfit and a desk that looks like a gorgeous minimalist instagram photo, but I'm not. I'm a mess. No matter how hard I try (and I try hard), everything about me seems like too much of a mess to ever be quite at that level of polished-prettiness. I know some of this aesthetic that I'm dreaming of is kinda not real, made possible through perfectly planned instagram photos, etc. But I also know there are some people who are just naturally, like, 15% more perfect than me. You know who I'm talking about. Their hair is always nice and smooth, their clothes are always lovely and unwrinkled, their skin looks like an untouched white-sand beach, they don't pick at their nails. I think they're often the same people who bullet journal religiously and always keep on top of their calendars. I am not one of them.

A Very Glam  (and very staged) Photo, taken when experimenting with studio lights over Christmas.



Thirdly, I don't feel like I look like the type of prettiness that I want to be. I've always been a quite muscular person naturally, made more prominent by the many hours of exercise I do each day. I have bulky arms and bulky calves and abs and curves. It was once said during my high school's spirit week that one of my calves could singularly win the tug of war competition for the senior class.

I thought that was pretty funny, and I love that I'm strong and athletic. I'm not a person who generally hates her body for just being what it is. But sometimes it can be pretty disappointing when my body doesn't seem to fit into the person that I'm trying to be.

In a lace-skirt-and-vintage-oxford aesthetic, big muscular calves are not part of the equation. A large chest doesn't go with a peter-pan-collar, high-neck, billowy blouse. A big butt doesn't go with ballet. Acne scars and frizzy hair don't go with flawless, vintage-y up-do's and red lips. Big, muscular arms don't go with breezy sleeveless dresses riding cute, pastel-colored bicycles.

I know it shouldn't be this way, and it doesn't have to be. I know these are just more of the stupid and illegitimate rules whipped up by society. But often, they feel kinda real. Sometimes I feel like I don't quite fit into the girl I want to be, no matter how hard I try. I always feel like a messier, frizzier, trying-too-hard version. And sometimes I wonder if I should just stop trying. I could have any other style, any other aesthetic, and any other interest. There's less opportunity for error with a pair of jeans than a lace skirt, it feels. There's less opportunity for error in literally anything compared to ballet.

But at the same time, I feel like this is just who I am, even if I don't completely fit into all the traditional cut-outs of who I want to be. Actually, I feel like this is who I am because I don't completely fit into all the traditional cut-outs. I'm Julia Rose Bluhm, a girl with a name that sounds like a flower, who does ballet, writes nice little things, and doesn't really fit. I'm my own kind of pink-and-pretty; a laughably and vastly imperfect kind.

To say I'm completely happy with this would be a bit of a lie. To say that I wouldn't like to change anything about myself would also be a lie.

The nicest my hair has ever looked
But I do know this for certain: The space between who we see ourselves as and who we want to be is what makes us who we really are. It's the simultaneously frizzy-and-lipstick-wearing space. The big-muscular-arms-in-a-cute-sleeveless-sundress space. The I-don't-fit-the-traditional-cutout-but-I'm-still-doing-it space. Some people's spaces are bigger than others, and sometimes it may seem like certain people have no space at all (like Emma Stone? She's perfect.) But to them, I'm sure they still feel like they do. If we all looked and acted and behaved exactly how we wish we could, we'd all probably be pretty similar. We would all be Emma Stone, and Emma Stone wouldn't even be cool anymore.

Individuality is what's truly cool, when you think about it. Individuality is what makes people matter. And sometimes individuality is synonymous with messy and vasty imperfect and kinda insecure. But it's also synonymous with art and beauty and you. We need to remember, even if it sometimes doesn't feel like it, all these things are possible at the same time.

♡ Julia 
Do you ever feel like you don't quite fit into the person you want to be? How do you cope? :)

18 comments

  1. In my opinion, you fit the image you're wanting to portray just perfectly! I totally agree with you - individuality is the true point of interest, and so combine your individuality with the 'pretty style' you admire, and the result is beautifully unique :)

    ps. feel free to go ahead wearing your Minnie Mouse t-shirts babe, I have a friend (who is 23) who wears Barbie t-shirts and vests and looks uh-mazing!

    aglassofice.com
    x

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    1. Hahah thank you so much for your comment! That's very encouraging to hear and I think you're totally right.

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  2. First of all, from your blog posts to your Instagram, from what I can see you are killing the girly aesthetic game. To your point though, I think people are so much more interesting when they embrace the space between what they want to be and who they see themselves as - I've even found that the "flaws" you tend to see in yourself are what people love the most about you. Here's to your athletic, Peter-Pen collar wearing, "pretty"-loving self; keep doing what you're doing, because I love reading about it!
    - katrina // Yours Truly, Katrina

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    1. Aw thank you so much, Katrina! You're the best.

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  3. This is a lovely read, and I understand completely. I too have an obsession with pretty things. I love to wear dresses all the time and surround myself with pretty decorations, but I'm definitely a mess at the same time. I'm a mess, and I love to get my hands dirty, but I've learned that it's possible for all of these things to coexist. There are multiple sides to most people, and that's what makes us all individuals. We should embrace all of it!

    Again, such a great read!

    Amber - amberelb.com

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    1. Thank you so much for reading Amber, and for your kind words!

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  4. Thanks so much for sharing articles like these. I think no matter how perfect you think someone is, no one is completely satisfied with themselves. You should not feel like you have to fit into a mold, and individuality is definitely what makes you special. There's always room for improvement, but embrace what you have as the grass is always greener on the other side :)

    Erica
    www.eggcanvas.me

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    1. That's so true, Erica. It's kinda hard to remember sometimes, though isn't it? ;) Thanks for reading!

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  5. I know what you mean about not fitting in. I know it's pointless to worry about it, but sometimes I feel like an awkward little kid playing dress up when I get ready for work. I'm 27 now, and I've always been short with frizzy hair. I try to dress nice for work but sometimes it just doesn't look right. And then the other day a coworker said I dressed like an old lady. I'm not sure if she was saying that in a negative way, but usually you don't want to be compared to an age group you're not part of. And I'm not saying that older ladies do not dress nice.

    But when it comes down to it, I'm going to wear what I feel comfortable in. But my style has definitely changed as I've gotten older so it will continue doing so.

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    1. I can definitely relate, Kimmy. I've been told I dress "grandma-esque" and I'm only 18 ahahah. And I definitely feel the same as what you said, "feeling like an awkward little kid playing dress up when I get ready for work." I feel like an awkward kid playing dress up all the time. But you're right-- it all comes down to what we're comfortable with.
      Thanks for reading!

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  6. I love how honest this post is... trust me, this has made me feel so much better about myself and like I'm less alone in this whole 'not fitting in' and 'lack of self confidence' thing.
    Aleeha xXx
    http://www.halesaaw.com/

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    1. Glad you liked it Aleeha! Thanks for your comment :)

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  7. Hi Julia, Thank you so much for this very honest post. I have definitely had moments where I feel like that, but with much less frequency now. And it's actually funny because things I used to try to change about myself, like my wavy/curly hair, are qualities that get me the most compliments from others. I think I've learned to cope with those moments of insecurity by trying to be nice to myself and focusing on those parts of myself that I do love.

    -Helen
    Sweet Helen Grace

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    1. That's so true, Helen! Thanks so much for reading and sharing your thoughts :)

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  8. This was pretty much the struggle of my entire life hahhaah. I always had an image in my head of what I want to look like and when I actually try and attempt it, no where am I near that image :/ Perhaps we do reach that look but are just too critical of ourselves that we miss the spot in our heads. I've learned that I can't exactly achieve this girl or look fully that I have in my head, but just to love who and what I am as of right now. I think their hardest part of just being human is accepting everything about us. What we see as imperfections, others may see as perfect!

    Stacey - thebambieyes.com

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    1. I can definitely relate to that! And you're so right-- perfection is totally in the eye of the beholder. Thanks for reading, Stacey!

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  9. Great post Julia- perfection sometimes is lack of being perfect.The most important is to feel good with yourself :-)

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  10. Hello my dear,

    very good photos and interessting topic;)
    Very nice words of truth;) I will follow your blog :-*

    Hugs from Germany;)
    Isa

    www.label-love.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete

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About me
I’m a 19-year old college student who’s still very much “in bluhm” (heh) but I’m figuring it out as I go, laptop in hand.
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